Sample: One-Eyed Dick, Nellie the Whore, and the Spring of Perpetual Wood

This here’s a story about One-Eyed Dick, the legend of the Mountain West. What, ya never heard of One-Eyed Dick? Why, you’ve heard of Paul Bunyan and Pecos Bill, haven’t ya? But I’m not surprised ya haven’t heard of Dick, not really. His stories are not the ones ya tell to children, if ya get my drift.

No, Dick was not a giant, like Paul, nor a wild man like Bill. He wasn’t a gunslinger like so many ya heard of. No, Dick was just a regular man with one outstanding feature. And man, was it outstanding, if ya know what I mean. They might have called him Three-Legged Dick, because of it. But since he’d had that fight with the Injun Chief Limp Spear that had cost him an eye, Dick had to wear a pirate’s patch. And seein’ how One-Eyed Dick was more polite than Three-Legged Dick, particularly around womenfolk and children, the other fellas started into callin’ him that.

But Dick was more than just his equipment. He’d learned the arts of Eastern Love from Madame Sing Sing in San Francisco and the arts of Near-Eastern Love from India Sue in Saint Louis. It’s said that the Tantrah Indians of the San Luis Valley initiated him into the rites of Quodoshka, but Dick would only smile and not say much when asked about that. Dick was a lover and a pleaser of the ladies, through and through.

Now this turned out to be more trouble than ya might think. True, Dick could satisfy any woman brave enough to enter his bed, leavin’ her gasping and screaming from pleasure until she begged for mercy or a chance to sleep. Old women, young women, experienced women, virgins—he could satisfy them all. Heck, in one night, Dick could do enough to leave even a whore satisfied for a year or more, just grinnin’ and wonderin’ when he might ride back by.

 

Cover for the book Friends and Benefits

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So this here tale’s about how Dick agreed to help his old pal Nellie find the Spring of Perpetual Wood. Nellie believed it’d make ‘em rich, but Dick worried about who else might be protectin’ that spring. Of course, he’s gotta screw he way to the spring first…

If ya like tall tales with naughty scenes, you’ll like One-Eyed Dick.